Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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