Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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