is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
