You can't special order awesome
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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