I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
