i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
