I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
