Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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