Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
