wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
