my phone needs a breathalizer
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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