I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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