I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
