They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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