Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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