If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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