I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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