recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
