i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
