will power is for people who don't want to get laid
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
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