if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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