Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Randomize
