when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
