I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
