i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize