Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
