Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
