don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
