"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Floor bacon is actually really good
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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