did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
