Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
