i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
