she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
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