its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
