nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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