My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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