he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
