Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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