God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
