If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
