walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
