omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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