He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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