we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
