Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the day after is always just damage control
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
