i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize