Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
