Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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