you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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