i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
