____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
