Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
