is your mom at the bar?
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
if only i could text you this smell
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
