I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
