I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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