When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
