I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
