i need an iv and a liver transplant
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
