WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
