singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
