i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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